Friday, January 12, 2007

Just my feelings.......

What is with this weather? All I want is 1 snow day. I don’t even care if I get a day off work I just want to enjoy the snow outside of my house or work. It would make me so happy. We are going to Sun River in a few weeks and yes I will get to see snow then but I want to see it outside when I wake up in the morning. I want to enjoy its beauty and all that comes with it. It almost makes people in Oregon happier than sun does. J

For a week now I have been trying to write a blog about Christmas, New Years and my birthday but I get side tracked every time I try. Right now I have so many other things on my mind. Loneliness, sadness, angry, empty, scared, tired, depressed, and hurt, those are a few things on my mind. Please when you read this don’t take this the wrong way or that you are who I am referring to. I am just writing my feelings and they are nothing but my feelings. There are a lot of things going on in people’s lives but right now I feel so lonely. It is hard for me to explain how I am feeling to people and that makes me sad too cause I just want someone to understand how I feel. Sitting here writing this my throat is growing a lump trying to hold back the tears and sadness.

I am scared that I will never be a mom. Everyone always says trust god it will happen when the time is right. But really what if it doesn’t? What if I go to the doctor (which I think I keep coming up with excuses of why not to go out of fear) and they say Mrs. Teshera I don’t think the 2 of you will be able to have kids? This is literally my biggest fear in life. I think I avoid the doctor so I don’t have to face the unknown. I trust God has a plan for our lives but I ask God constantly what is wrong. I find myself struggling to trust him in anger. I get jealous and I don’t want to be jealous or so emotional it just happens. I want to hear a baby crying at 2am, I want to be complaining because I am so tired from this little thing screaming in the middle of the night. I want to be mad because my house is a mess with toys every where. I want to be one to be the non drinker because I have a little baby growing inside of me. Each month as I get closer to period I smile and think wouldn’t that be great if this was the month. I am constantly thinking of ways we can tell my Mom or his Mom that they are going to be a Grandma and Meme again. I feel like I am constantly crying and wondering why. I do go through good times where I think I have convinced myself it is ok telling myself right now isn’t the time but deep down it still hurts.

I am hurt, angry and sad by things people have done to me, when I thought they were my friend and wouldn’t do something so mean to me. I think they thought I would never find out about things they said or did but I did and it makes me sad that people I trusted would do these things to me. I already struggle with not trusting people and hate that feeling. I just don’t know why you would do or say things to hurt other people that are suppose to be your friends. I know I am not the princess of do no wrong but when I am wrong as much as anyone hates admitting they did something or that they are wrong I will admit it.

With these things combined I think it has made me feel lonely. I know everyone around me has so much going on in their lives with their families, kids, work or whatever. I think I feel lonely because I care so much of what is going on in my friends life that if they don’t tell me how they are doing or ask how I am doing I feel they don’t care or we aren’t “good” friends, which makes me sad. If you truly know me you know I would do pretty much anything for my friends or family. I have this attitude a lot of times that I don’t care what people say or think about me but it is because I truly do care. I put up this wall for fear of getting hurt. Without going into great detail I grew up with a “close” group of friends I though anyway. One day I went a different direction and now I don’t really talk to anyone I was once close to. When I met Chris I was AMAZED that all the close friends he had he has had since grade school or Jr. High. I have one friend that I have been friends that long and it is Jenn. I treasure that friendship because it has gone through a lot and I would NEVER want to lose it. I have told Nikki before I am so thankful I met Chris for lots of reasons but also because he has brought into my life some of the most amazing friends.

I am so thankful for Chris because I know it is hard for him to see me hurting but he is so supportive and loving when I am sad. I love that when I feel completely empty I come home sigh a little he ask me what wrong and I just say it has been a hard day and he just holds me.

1 comment:

Kristin said...

I don't know if you remember me, but I'm Heather Anderson's sister, Kristin. I came across your blog through a rather winding trail, and my heart is breaking for you.

Long story short, my husband and I waited a very long time before God blessed us this past year with our daughter (7+ years), and there were many many times I thought He must have forgotten about us.

So, I understand what you're going through--I've been there. The aching desire to be a mom, there's nothing like it.

If you'd like to talk sometime, I'd be happy to help you in any way I can.

Know that I'm praying for you,
Kristin (Anderson) Hamann