I try to be happy and excited. It is suppose to be one of the happiest days of your life. I should be excited for you and I am. But deep down I am sad, angry, mad and jealous. Am I mad at you, no. Is it your fault, no. Is it hard, yes. You think after a while it would start getting easier but it doesn't, just harder. I try to hold back the tears but I can't.
I know for some it is just as hard for you to tell me as it is for me to hear. I remember a phone call I got from one of my best friends about 3 years ago. I was working a lot that weekend and she so bad wanted to come meet me for lunch. It didn't work out. I knew, I knew what she was going to tell me. When we finally talked on Sunday before she could say anything I just said, "it is ok I am happy for you." She started crying which made me cry. Because I was, I was truly happy for her.
Do we know what's wrong, do we have the answers yet? No. I don't know when we will.
About 10 weeks ago something was brought to Chris and I. We were approached and asked if we would think about adopting a baby. Not your typical adoption through an agency just the paper work. Without going into details because I don't have many (so please don't ask) we have been waiting to find out if the mother is going to go ahead with the adoption or keep the baby. She has been really sick for the last 2 months. She still has not decided if she will keep the baby or not. This has also been really hard on me. I was so excited at first but then was brought back to reality. I didn't want to be excited because what if she decides not to go through with the adoption. I want her to be sure this is what she wants. So we will wait.
2 comments:
My heart just aches for you. I can't say anything and I can't do anything but pray for you.
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
After my miscarriage I was so angry, like WHY is this not happening for me? What am I doing wrong? What is wrong with me? This verse helped me. I taped it on my bathroom mirror and every morning I would read it.
My words are simply that, just words, and they offer little comfort but know that my heart and my prayers are with you and Chris.
What to say? Just know that we will be praying for you guys, and that you are definitely not alone! Everything that you are feeling: the anger, the timid hope, the frustration at not knowing one way or the other, the wanting of answers that don't seem to be coming...we've been there. Make sure to continue surrounding yourself with those that can hold you up, both literally and in prayer, and don't be too hard on yourselves. And, don't let anyone tell you it's not okay to be angry...it's part of the grieving process...Yes this is a grieving process. You are grieving the seemingly normal and easy ability to have children...it's definitely a kind of loss.
If you ever want to get together and just vent or cry, or whatever, please call me!
I know it sounds lame to say hang in there, but I truly believe God does not give us the desire to be parents, and then doesn't follow through. It just might not be in the way you expected.
Praying for you,
Kristin~
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