Back to Expectations & Compasion

At the end of January I touched on trying to work on my expectations with people and having compassion to what is going on in their life.

I failed miserably last week. I have always struggled with this when it comes to my Dad. My biological father. He is my Dad so I "expect" him to be a the "Dad". As I grew up my Mom has always told me never expect anything from anyone and you will rarely be disappointed. I try so hard to live that but it is hard. It has always been hard and that is where it comes from.

For Christmas this year it is the first time in my almost 33 years I did not see my Dad. For my birthday on the 2nd no phone call. (Which I come to expect, ironically but still get disappointed when I don't get one.) Still as of today I have yet to see him.

Thomas and I talked about the fact that we hadn't talked or heard from Dad in a few weeks so I thought I would try and get a hold of him see how he was doing. 1 VM nothing, 2 VM nothing, call work not there, 3 VM nothing, call work again not there, call work the 3rd day there. After giving him a huge lecture about not hearing from him and me being worried he explained what has been going. I was then compassionate after talking to him and felt bad. I was also reminded by a friend he is an adult and if he chooses to not answer the phone or return calls that is his prerogative. I can't expect him to call me back.

I just wonder though am I wrong in expecting these things from him or not? I guess I just can't and should know that. Do I have complete compassion? I am trying very hard to. So I will keep working on it. :)

I Try

I try to be happy and excited. It is suppose to be one of the happiest days of your life. I should be excited for you and I am. But deep down I am sad, angry, mad and jealous. Am I mad at you, no. Is it your fault, no. Is it hard, yes. You think after a while it would start getting easier but it doesn't, just harder. I try to hold back the tears but I can't.

I know for some it is just as hard for you to tell me as it is for me to hear. I remember a phone call I got from one of my best friends about 3 years ago. I was working a lot that weekend and she so bad wanted to come meet me for lunch. It didn't work out. I knew, I knew what she was going to tell me. When we finally talked on Sunday before she could say anything I just said, "it is ok I am happy for you." She started crying which made me cry. Because I was, I was truly happy for her.

Do we know what's wrong, do we have the answers yet? No. I don't know when we will.

About 10 weeks ago something was brought to Chris and I. We were approached and asked if we would think about adopting a baby. Not your typical adoption through an agency just the paper work. Without going into details because I don't have many (so please don't ask) we have been waiting to find out if the mother is going to go ahead with the adoption or keep the baby. She has been really sick for the last 2 months. She still has not decided if she will keep the baby or not. This has also been really hard on me. I was so excited at first but then was brought back to reality. I didn't want to be excited because what if she decides not to go through with the adoption. I want her to be sure this is what she wants. So we will wait.

Addictions

I have come to realize I have 2 addictions. 1 I've had for a while and the 2nd one I have recently discovered. It is worse than than FB itself.

Addiction 1 - Reading, I can't stop. When I am at work or doing something all I can think about is what is going to happen next and figuring out where I can fit reading into laundry, working, dishes, working, PTC training, working, cleaning, working out and sleep. :)

Addiction 2 - My BlackBerry. Seriously I completely understand why it is called the CrackBerry. Are you kidding me? I never need a computer again. I have access to every email address I have (including work), IM, BlackBerry messanger, text, Internet, BrickBreaker, FB the list is endless. I get so excited when I find an new application I can download that is free. What am I doing to my brain. I think I need to read more. :)

I guess there could be worse things to be addicted to.