Ever since I was little I had this fear. Fear of being alone which is a few different combinations. Being home at night without someone or traveling alone.
This week I realized something as I took a last minute trip to Arizona for work. For the last six years my traveling has increased each year. From 1 trip a year to 2-3 trips a year. Now this coming year I will be traveling quite a bit for multiple shows. What I have realized is I no longer hold that fear.
I got over long ago traveling on a plane by myself. It is like getting in the car and driving to work. It is no big deal. The other things though have been a challenge. I don’t like finding my way around a new city and not knowing where I am going. I have a great sense of direction but my anxiety side kicks in when I have to catch a cab to my hotel from the airport that is about 12-15 miles. I get a little nervous each time thinking, “what if?” Chris would tell me I watch too much TV but it really isn’t that. I have never really had to do many things on my own because mainly I don’t like to but I have learned to do it.
I did think last night and this morning coming to a conclusion. If I got nothing else out of this job I have learned to become independent. I really don’t need to worry. I can catch the cab for 20 minute ride, I can go to dinner by myself, I can take a flight from Portland to any where not knowing what I am going to do when I get there and be ok with it.
Now there is one thing I am not ok with and not sure I will do again. I did when I was in LA in June take a train from LA to San Diego to hang out with Bryan and family for the weekend. I don’t care how much I have learned from traveling I will NEVER do that trip again. I have always heard good things about train rides from Portland to Seattle but this was nothing like that. It was a bunch of “thugs” commuting from city to city. It was like a long MAX ride and if you know me you know I HATE the MAX.
I am actually pretty proud of myself. It may seem a little silly to a lot of people but I don’t have that fear. Now maybe if I was traveling to the middle of nowhere and some guy with oh a saw was my cab driver I might not get in. I think this happened a while ago but I am just finally realizing it doesn’t bother me any more. Here’s to 4 trips to AZ this year, 4 trips to Vegas and maybe a trip to New York.
Being home alone at night, well I don’t know if that will ever happen.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
My Friend
I have this friend her name is Andie. It is like Mandy but she is more like candie. She is the coolest! She has a pool you can swim in but not for long. You can walk on her but watch out she does bite if you tell her you want to keep her then lie and tell others you want to fire her. I don't know what to say but everyone needs an Andie in there pocket. With her in your pocket it will feel like a rocket.
But for real this time. Andie is one of those friends that it doesn't matter how long you don't talk or how often you talk you will be friends forever. If you give her the same she gives you, you will be friends for life. She is a very special person I met almost 3 years ago when I started at the GAP. She is amazing to talk to and even cry with if you need.
Andie, I love you and you are a rock star. You are an amazing person that goes through a lot and lets it go. You deserve the very best. As they say on the Golden Girls, "Thanks for being my friend. We've traveled down the roads and back again." Love you!
But for real this time. Andie is one of those friends that it doesn't matter how long you don't talk or how often you talk you will be friends forever. If you give her the same she gives you, you will be friends for life. She is a very special person I met almost 3 years ago when I started at the GAP. She is amazing to talk to and even cry with if you need.
Andie, I love you and you are a rock star. You are an amazing person that goes through a lot and lets it go. You deserve the very best. As they say on the Golden Girls, "Thanks for being my friend. We've traveled down the roads and back again." Love you!
Monday, November 05, 2007
"I'm Being Chased"
We all sometimes have weird dreams but mine lately have seemed more realistic than normal.
Chris is hunting this week with my Dad and brothers. Sometimes I freak out when he leaves because I don’t like being home alone. This time I freaked out but it wasn’t cause I was going to be home alone that isn’t bothering me this time. It is just because he isn’t here period. It isn’t bothering me or freaking me out like someone is going to break in like I normally do. So it was weird when last night I had a dream that someone broke into our house (which wasn’t our actual house though) and I shot them. I tried calling 911 but they kept putting me on hold and wouldn’t listen to me. So instead I ended up running and kept running like someone was chasing me from house to house. I keep thinking, why would 911 put me on hold I told them someone was after me and they aren’t doing anything. I woke up crying…….Not crying because I was scared someone was going to break into my house. Crying because nobody would listen to me and how scared I was.
So I looked up some dream interpretations today at Dream Moods.
This was the closest fit I could find…..
“I’m Being Chased”
Chase dreams often stem from feelings of anxiety in your walking life. The way we respond to anxiety and pressure in real life is typically manifested as a chase dream. Running is an instinctive response to physical threats in our environment. Often in these dream scenarios, you are being pursued by some attacker, who wants to hurt or possibly kill you. You are running away, hiding, or trying to outwit your pursuer. Chase dreams may represent your way of coping with fears, stress or various situations in your waking life. Instead of confronting the situation, you are running away and avoiding it. Ask yourself who is the one chasing you and you may gain some understanding and insight on the source of your fears and pressure.The pursuer or attacker who is chasing you in your dream may also represent a part of yourself. Your own feelings of anger, jealousy, fear, and possibly love, can assume the appearance of threatening figure. You may be projecting these feelings onto the unknown chaser. Next time you have a chase dream, turn around and confront your pursuer. Ask them why they are chasing you.One may be consumed by their own anger, jealousy, love, or self-destructive behavior. For example, you may be drinking too much or exhibiting open hostility toward others around you. You may subconsciously be threatened by these actions which have been jeopardizing your relationships and/or career. Your dreams are a way of calling attention to these self-destructive actions.A more direct analysis of chase dreams is the fear of being attacked. Such dreams are more common among women than men, who may feel physically vulnerable in the urban environment. These dreams are inspired by fears of violence and sexual assault in which we are so over-exposed from the media. The violence that the media portrays magnifies our fears and how at risk we all are.
Shooting…..
To dream that you shoot a person with a gun, denotes your aggressive feelings and hidden anger toward that particular person. (I didn’t know the person I was shooting or shot.)
So what does my dream mean or does it mean anything at all?
Chris is hunting this week with my Dad and brothers. Sometimes I freak out when he leaves because I don’t like being home alone. This time I freaked out but it wasn’t cause I was going to be home alone that isn’t bothering me this time. It is just because he isn’t here period. It isn’t bothering me or freaking me out like someone is going to break in like I normally do. So it was weird when last night I had a dream that someone broke into our house (which wasn’t our actual house though) and I shot them. I tried calling 911 but they kept putting me on hold and wouldn’t listen to me. So instead I ended up running and kept running like someone was chasing me from house to house. I keep thinking, why would 911 put me on hold I told them someone was after me and they aren’t doing anything. I woke up crying…….Not crying because I was scared someone was going to break into my house. Crying because nobody would listen to me and how scared I was.
So I looked up some dream interpretations today at Dream Moods.
This was the closest fit I could find…..
“I’m Being Chased”
Chase dreams often stem from feelings of anxiety in your walking life. The way we respond to anxiety and pressure in real life is typically manifested as a chase dream. Running is an instinctive response to physical threats in our environment. Often in these dream scenarios, you are being pursued by some attacker, who wants to hurt or possibly kill you. You are running away, hiding, or trying to outwit your pursuer. Chase dreams may represent your way of coping with fears, stress or various situations in your waking life. Instead of confronting the situation, you are running away and avoiding it. Ask yourself who is the one chasing you and you may gain some understanding and insight on the source of your fears and pressure.The pursuer or attacker who is chasing you in your dream may also represent a part of yourself. Your own feelings of anger, jealousy, fear, and possibly love, can assume the appearance of threatening figure. You may be projecting these feelings onto the unknown chaser. Next time you have a chase dream, turn around and confront your pursuer. Ask them why they are chasing you.One may be consumed by their own anger, jealousy, love, or self-destructive behavior. For example, you may be drinking too much or exhibiting open hostility toward others around you. You may subconsciously be threatened by these actions which have been jeopardizing your relationships and/or career. Your dreams are a way of calling attention to these self-destructive actions.A more direct analysis of chase dreams is the fear of being attacked. Such dreams are more common among women than men, who may feel physically vulnerable in the urban environment. These dreams are inspired by fears of violence and sexual assault in which we are so over-exposed from the media. The violence that the media portrays magnifies our fears and how at risk we all are.
Shooting…..
To dream that you shoot a person with a gun, denotes your aggressive feelings and hidden anger toward that particular person. (I didn’t know the person I was shooting or shot.)
So what does my dream mean or does it mean anything at all?
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